Four Steps to Cope with Stress Related Suicidal Thoughts

Do you ever respond to small inconveniences with the thought, “I should just kill myself?” Do little mistakes send you into a suicidal thought spiral that’s tough to get out of, even when you logically know you don’t actually want to die? You’re not alone.

For many people who struggle with chronic suicidal ideation, it’s less about wanting to literally stop existing as it is wishing that the present moment would stop being so distressing. You just want everything to stop. In my experience as a human being and a therapist, this response usually develops when people are consistently in stressful or traumatic situations where they feel helpless. When the only control you have is over the on/off switch of your mortality, that becomes the focus. It’s something within your control.

This effect is exacerbated if you’re in a marginalized group and receive messages from society and culture that you’re inherently lesser. Internalized oppression, coupled with the chronic stress of being in an oppressed class, can take a significant toll on your physical and mental health. If you were never taught how to cope with these experiences (or, in many cases, shamed out of sharing your emotions), suicidal ideation is an unfortunately reasonable response.

This is a lived experience for many people I work with, and it’s a part of my history as well. It can bring up feelings of shame, despair, and hopelessness. The good news is, you can learn a new way to respond when you’re swamped with stress-related suicidal thoughts.

For the purposes of this post, I’m differentiating suicidal thoughts triggered by stress from those more strongly linked with depression. For more information about coping with depressive suicidal thoughts, check out this article.

Ready for the technique? It’s a four part process. I call it SEGA, like the old game system. No particular reason except it makes it easier to remember.

Step one: Name the Stressor

When you notice you’re swamped by suicidal thoughts, pause and name what triggered the thoughts in the first place. This can help you track triggers and patterns, and plan for stressful situations in the future. It can also remind you that this is a stress response, not the whole truth of your experience. Try to practice non-judgment here – the stressor is what it is, and so is your reaction. No need to invalidate or justify it.

Step two: Name the Emotion

Notice how you’re feeling. Angry, helpless, hopeless, ashamed, defeated? Name that. Just notice how it feels for you. You don’t need to solve it, or explain it away. Your feelings are valid simply by their existence. On the flip side, emotions are temporary states. Just because you feel worthless doesn’t mean you are worthless. Knowing what you're feeling can help you respond in a way that best meets your needs.

Step three: Ground

Now that you’ve tagged the stressor and emotion, take a moment to do something that grounds you. Something that eases your physical tension, slows down your thoughts, and brings you back to the present. For a lot of folks, I recommend deep breathing, vagus nerve exercises, or movement. It can also be mental engagement with something interesting to you, finding pleasant sensory input (smells, sounds, tastes, textures, etc.), taking a walk outside, or connecting with a person or animal you feel safe with. If you’re not sure what fits for you, feel free to experiment. It’s also something we can explore together if you decide to work with me.

Step four: Affirm

Find a short phrase to counteract the suicidal thought. It should be something that feels true to you – if “I am a divine child of the earth” feels like BS, that’s not what you need. It can be something simple, like “I can ride this out,” or “I am learning to treat myself gently.” You can remind yourself of something that brings you joy or satisfaction, and remember how it felt in that moment. You could also think of a reason why you want to live – anything from “I won’t* do that to my (important living being)” to “I want to see the first snowfall.”

* I use won’t instead of can’t because won’t is a choice, can’t is an imposed limitation

Let’s look at this in an example: Cameron gets anxious grocery shopping. They white-knuckle it through the store, overwhelmed by the options, the crowds, and the cost of food. As they load the items into their car, they drop a glass condiment bottle and it shatters on the pavement. As the glass breaks, so does the last of their resolve. Their throat tightens, tears well, their heart races and their mind begins a cruel tirade. “I’m such a fuck up, I’d be better off dead,” and the like. Cameron gets into the car and practices SEGA:

• Stressor: The store is stressful for me. I’m fighting anxiety the whole time. Dropping that bottle sent me over the edge into a full on panic episode

• Emotion: Ugh, this feels awful. I feel worthless, stupid, and broken

• Ground: Cameron runs their hands over their thighs, enjoying the pressure and the soft fabric of their pants. At the same time, they practice square breathing – inhaling for a count of 4, holding for 4, exhaling for 4, and holding for 4 before the next inhale. They continue this until their body starts to settle

• Affirm: I’ve gotten through tough times before. I can get through this. This will pass

Cameron engages their mind and body to soothe their nervous system, and refocuses their thoughts from self-destructive to affirming their resilience. Don’t worry if you can’t nail it on your first try. It takes time to learn a new skill and build a new response pattern. The effort counts. You’ll get there.

If you’re interested in learning more or talking about what our work together could look like, feel free to message me.